Understanding, forgiving, and healing this important relationship
In psychotherapy, we hear it repeatedly said "I do not want to be like my parents, but I find myself acting like them. How can I stop this from happening?"
The solution is simple, but it takes patience, practice, forgiviness, and committment.
WE NEED TO HEAL OUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OUR PARENTS
The word 'parent' is used to refer to the group of people who helped bring us up when were children. This may not actually have been our blood parents, it could be guardians or adopted parents.
When we were a little, frightened, helpless person our parents or guardians picked us up when we fell, wiped the tears of frustration and pain from our eyes, made us food, gave us clothes and shelter, spent hours listening to our ideas and problems, tried to pass on their knowledge to us, made mistakes (like we all do) and hated themselves for it, chastised and smacked us because they were at their wits end concerning their own lives - felt horrible and guilty about it. Let's have a go at thinking about our parents in this manner. Really trying to consider them and the difficulties and sufferings that they must experience.
Some of the Experiences that we might expect if we don't heal our childhood pains.
- We get caught up in the attention seeking strategies for the rest of our lives. Caught in an unconscious and perpetual cycle from one to the next, leading us further and further into depression and despair.
- We may spend a huge amount of time and energy trying to find "parent substitutes" in our daily relationships with other people. Searching for the missing approval that we did not receive as children. This only leads to embarrassment, pain and confusion. The hurt and confused inner child trying to sort things out. When we do find suitable "parent substitutes", whether these are romantic partners or work associates, then we begin to play out all the unresolved childhood issues. People run away from us and we are left lonely, confused, and in pain.
- We live on "autopilot", caught in the conditionings of our childhood personality, we cannot adapt to new life situations and thus substantial reduce our life experiences.
- We pass on all our baggage and unresolved issues to our children, thus making them unhappy and confused.
- We pass on our "shadow" - our subconscious problems and issues - to our children.
- We have a high probability of becoming addicted to the pleasure principle in an attempt to "blot out" our inner pain. Alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, compulsion, obsession, and pain.
Understanding our conditioning
When we are children, growing up around our parents, we learn a large part of our behaviour by simply copying those around us. This is part of the natural survival and socialisation process. The way we our psycho-emotional character is influenced by this copying process is called conditioning - learned behaviour.
The childhood learned behaviours in our seven chakras are a primary source of our today's experiences of pain, frustrations, confusion, depression, discomfort, subconscious life-reactions, useless and annoying personality traits, and holistic disease. By taking the time to heal ourselves, we take the first huge step towards becoming a happier, more compassionate and understanding person. By healing and purification we remove the unwanted attitudes and behaviours from our own system.
Understanding the Childhood stage
I have produced an index page concerning the childhood stage. This will help you learn about this stage, what happens and what can go wrong:
Healing our inner child
If we experienced deep upset, trauma, or psycho-emotional wounds in our childhood then it influences the growth and development of our adult personality. If we have major psycho-emotional and personality issues then we will need to heal our inner child:
Healing our inner adolescent
As well as our inner child, if we experienced deep upset, trauma, or psycho-emotional wounds in our adolescent phase then it influences the growth and development of our adult personality. If we have major psycho-emotional and personality issues then we will need to heal our inner adolescent:
Healing our inner parents!
Inside each of us is an imprint of the impressions made upon us of our parents. We have inside of our minds a copy of each of our parents.
- Harmonious parents = harmonious imprints
- Conflicting parents = conflicting imprints
We need to acknowledge, heal, balance, and harmonize our inner parents. We can do this by sorting "the wheat from the chaff" - retaining good qualities and abandoning bad ones - from our inner parents.
You can do this by identifying and choosing their qualities:
- What were your parents positive qualities?
- What were your parents negative qualities?
You may find it useful to create a list of these qualities and then decide which qualities you will keep and which you will abandon. Then all you need to do is practice the good qualities and stop yourself doing the bad ones. This is simply a matter of breaking and making habits.
Other questions you may wish to consider:
- Did/do you prefer one parent over the other? Why?
- Did you compete with siblings for your parents attention? Did you employ attention seeking social strategies and do you consider that you still use these strategies in your life today?
LOVE THE GOOD IN YOUR PARENTS
It is CRUCIALLY IMPORTANT to spend some healing time in LOVING ALL THE GOOD QUALITIES OF YOUR PARENTS because you will find both of them within you as a deep part of your character.
If you are in conflict with or dislike or hate or are angry with either or both of your parents, then you will be in conflict with all the good qualities that they have and you will be cut off from accessing and experiencing all those deeply ingrained good things within you.
If you spend some healing time acknowledging and accepting all the good qualities and characteristics of your parents, then you will find that all these good things naturally surface in your life to help you and give your life much colour, character, goodness, and love.